Remember

Had a lovely dinner last night at Sage (Robertson Walk - MARVELLOUS food) with A and E. A had been sharing about his incredibly close relationship with his mum and when he left the room for a while, I suddenly remarked to E - I've been trying to find out why I'm deep down angry with my mum, since I seem to be so irritated with her so often. And E said ' But we've been through this before! And she listed concisely, precisely, the list of possible reasons.. and yes, we had been through it before. And I wondered - why the hell have I forgotten?

How is it I can remember the price of a piece of clothing I bought 5 years ago, the name of an obscure author, the address of a defunct eatery - and yet I cannot remember the pitholes within my own heart, that inner landscape I have been searching through in order to find some solutions?

Came home after the dinner and I had a strong urge to find a book by Frederick BuechnerI had never got round to finishing. When I found it, to my surprise I discovered that it was called 'A Room Called Remember'.

From the first chapter -
'We have survived, you and I. Maybe that is at the heart of our remembering. After twenty years, forty years, sixty years or eighty, we have made it to this year, this day. We needn't have made it. There were times we never thought we would and nearly didn't. There were times we almost hoped we wouldn't, were ready to give the whole thing up. Each must speak for himself, for herself, but I can say for myself that I have seen sorrow and pain enough to turn the heart to stone. Who hasn't? Many times I have chosen the wrong road, or the right road for the wrong reason. Many times I have loved the people I love too much for either their good or mine, and others I might have loved I have missed loving and lost. I have folllowed too much the devices and desires of my own heart, as the old prayer goes, yet often when my heart called out to me to be brave, to be kind, to be honest, I have not followed at all.

To remember my life is to remember countless times when I might have given up, gone under, when humanly speaking i might have gotten lost beyond the power of any to find me. But I didn't. I have not given up. And each of you, with all the memories you have and the tales you could tell, you also have not given up. You also are survivors and are here. And what does that tell us, our surviving? It tells us that weak as we are, a strength beyond our strength has pulled us through at least this far, at least to this day. Foolish as we are, a wisdom beyond our wisdom has flickered up just often enough to light us if not to the right path through the forest, at least to the path that leads forward, that is bearable. Faint of heart as we are, a love beyond our power to love has kept our hearts alive. '

I cried as I read, am crying again as I type this.
My heart has been kept alive through grace, with enough life to move on, love myself better, love my mum and my famiy better, love my friends and my students better.

8 Oh give thanks to the LORD, call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples. 9 Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; Speak of all His wonders. 10 Glory in His holy name; Let the heart of those who seek the LORD be glad. 11 Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually. 12 Remember His wonderful deeds which He has done, His marvels and the judgments from His mouth.
I Chronicles 16:8 -12