A meaningful life

My restlessness has been nipping at me, yet all I can voice is the question - are we leading meaningful lives? I asked R and he said the concept of 'meaningful'meant too many different things.

That's true I agreed. A serial killer would no doubt find his murders meaningful. But didn't meaningful mean helping others? That could happen in many ways too, R said.

That's true I agreed. In some way or another, I contribute to society through my work, the money I spend, the taxes I pay. But surely there must be more?

How would you describe our life?

Pleasant. Loving. Settled.

That's true I agreed. Is that meaningful? Or am I just chasing my tail?

A long time to come back to where I started

The wonders of technology.

4 years on and this little blog still clings on to its little niche in cyberspace.

Reading it has been a balm and I wonder at my utter ingratitude and the discontent that plagues me now despite all that I have received in these 4 years.

In place of 'lonely monsters', a loving, supportive partner who thrills, challenges, calms, soothes me. With this bedrock of support, i have felt free to expend copious amounts of energy on my career - and the results have been rewarding.

A scholarship after 5 years of waiting, a home of our own, a car, a bike licence, a life a life a life built together.

All my dreams have come true.

Yet these few weeks, restlessness has licked at my heels.

Reading my posts of long ago, I wonder how - why. Is this growth again?

When you long for blessings that you may not name, and when you grieve knowing not the cause, then indeed you are growing with all things that grow, and rising toward your greater self. – Khalil Gibran

Reacting to LMDs

Oh, another one of those LMDs - Lonely Monster Days.. They creep up from behind me and - WHAM! - suddenly it feels like someone has socked me in the gut and I will always always always be alone.

Today, I suddenly realised that I greatly identify with the character of the Jap girl in 'Babel'. An abyss of hunger.

But it will pass. It always does.

After being socked by the LM, I did what I've been planning to do - went to the directory of volunteer websites (www.cip.org.sg/vmall) and started emailing a list of organisations which I am quite keen on volunteering with.

Calmed down a lot after I was done with emailing.

So - this is the scenario. Wracked with loneliness and insecurity, I turn to help others. Am I hoping that witnessing/trying to alleviate the suffering of others will ease my own? Does altruism count when it is - NOT altruistic?

Well, whoever is not against us is for us.

I think I dare not hope for unsullied motives. At most, I would say that I want to remember.. that there are many different kinds of sufffering, many little differences that one person can make.. I want to remember that I am a blessing.

Will this be the start of another vicious cycle - that once more i keep having to prove to myself that I am worth something?

But surely directing my energies to others must serve a lot more than this incessant griping and navel-gazing?

Ah. One day at a time. Each day has enough worries of its own.

Hold On

There's this classic scene from Harold and Kumar when they steal the monsterjeep of this hooligan gang and discover that the playlist in the jeep is full of sappy songs. So after they mock and laugh, they listen to the songs, and at one point, Wilson Phillips' 'Hold on' comes on and they cannot help but sheepishly ,tentatively, exuberantly sing along to it. I don't know why, but the scene always cracks me up.

Maybe it's because i remember my older sis teaching me how to sing it (and harmonise along) with her when she was in secondary school and i was in primary school.
Maybe it's because I've sung so many songs in so many cars with a feeling of karaoke-gone-mad exuberance.
Maybe it's because the song has always seemd such an epitome of teenage-girl-much.

But last night, it played in my friend's car - and - Oh my. I never knew its lyrics would mean so much to me.

Hold On - Wilson Phillips

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Dont ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness (Tell me about it!)
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin your worries pass you by
Don't you think its worth your time
To change your mind?

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Flawed Heroes

Had a great time talking to S the other day, about the general state of illteracy in Singapore as well as the problems in 'educating' children or youths about spiritual things or religion.

C once said that Westerners gravitate towards Eastern religions and Asians adopt Christianity in droves most likely due to the simplistic black-and-white 'truths' in the religion that are fed to us when we are young. As we grow older, it becomes increasingly clear that what has been taught seems increasingly irrelevant to how we live, and as the gap widens, we seek truths in other vistas, and discover new'grown-up' religions. It seems a likely explanation.

So I brought this up to S and we were going on about how this gap could be addressed when it suddenly hit me - flawed heroes.

In Sunday schools, David's courage in battling Goliath is consistently touted, but not a whimper is sounded about his adultery and murder and bloodletting.
Abraham is the Father of nations, but nothing is said of his lying and neglect of his wife's honour.
Samson defeated the Philistines, but only because he had first lusted after Delilah.

How is it that we have hidden the flaws of these heroes, when God has laid bare for all to see, to show that He is the God of everyone who is flawed and weak and deceitful?

During the church service this Sunday, the preacher was going on about praying for the anointing to break through for nations, the world.. and so on. All I could think was - I don't even have the strength to obey the simplest and clearest of things, and I'm supposed to have the audacity to save the world? Not me not me, I will not mock these holy things.

But suddenly, the preacher calmed down, paused. And she said - God will use the holy vessels like Mary, but God is also waiting to wrestle with those who are like Jacob, who was a deceiver. Waiting to wrestle and overpower Jacob so that Jacob could be blessed and his name changed to Israel - Prince of God.

Oh. That's me I hope. I pray.

Tired

Many good friends have been asking how I’ve been feeling, considering the roller coaster ride that I’ve been on these past few months.

In all honesty, for the past few days, I’ve been in this oddly zen state. Maybe this is what life on prozac feels like.

The closest I came to being emotional was when I was sharing with E about couples I saw reading newspapers together at tcc café on a lazy Sunday morning, wondering why a scene like that seemed so out of reach for me. But she turned around and asked me if I would be bored by too many afternoons like that.

Would I? I’m not very sure anymore. Do I desire something simply because it is out of reach? Not always.

But right now I’m too tired to overanalyze. Or simply to analyze.

I’m wondering what my solo trip to Cochin next week will be like. I’ve been avoiding hearing from God, glancing away from the bible that is at my bedside. Unread. Will I avoid Him then as well? Not sure.

No expectations then. (but where does hope fit into the picture?)

Oh. Too tired to think.

Things to be happy with

I started today beset by a tremendous ulcer, work stress and general lethargy. But at 4pm, with my voice finally recorded for some video, I decided - I will cook mee sua.

Haha.

It has turned out to be another one of those perfectly contented evenings.

The ingredients? (I need to note this as I prepare to live alone, whether overseas or in Singapore)

- a good radio station (equipment : dependable broadband on computer to get internet radio stations, or an affordable stereo system. Preferably both.)
- access to affordable groceries (equipment : fridge, nice big boiling pan, knife, basic cutlery and bowl, plate)
- a good workout routine (equipment : skipping rope and weights, especially if it’s winter or I don’t feel safe jogging alone)
- a good book (equipment : a library card, so I don’t need to bring the books back if I’m returning from overseas. Or maybe bookmooch!)

Gosh, takes so little to make one happy. Yay. =)

As for the mee sua – I added Chinese parsley, oyster mushrooms, quail’s eggs, instant shrimp wanton. Hmm… not bad. Maybe add Knorr cube the next time round… Yum!

'Then they were glad because they were quiet, So He guided them to their desired haven. ' Psalm 107:30

Self-absorbed

I’ve just been accused of being self-absorbed.

The person who pointed out this fact would undoubtedly take umbrage at my usage of the word ‘accused’, as well as with my cerebral dissection of what has just transpired.

Is t true? Have I become so cut off from /protective of my emotions that I can only process everything cerebrally nowadays?

I definitely agree that I am self-absorbed. Why else does one have a blog that incessantly tries to dig deeper and deeper into one’s own psyche?

The only question is to what extent.

To the extent that I have put unuttered expectations on all around me?
To the extent that I expect all conversation to concern me?
To the extent that I have withdrawn my real reactions so that I commune with my own thoughts and censor what I have to say to others?

Too self-absorbed. Too intense. Too many expectations.

Ouch ouch ouch.

Is this really me?
(hah, is that too self-absorbed a question?)
Does a genuine bid to be a better person count under self-absorption?

Is intensity some character flaw that needs to be corrected?

‘But why do you need a reason for everything? Do you know how tiring it is to talk to you?’

No, I don’t need a reason for everything. But yes, it’ll be nice if you could explain when you do say something is wrong with me. I didn’t realize that was too much to ask. Too intense.

No. I didn’t realize how tiring it is to talk to me. I thought many people enjoy talking to me. Perhaps I have been delusional.

One part of me reads what I have written here and I can see the sarcasm that bleeds from my words, truly indicative of how hurt I feel.

But one part of me has absorbed (interesting word) what has been said and I wonder if it hurts so much only because I think it’s true, that it must be true since the person who said this is someone I trust and someone who is wise and who loves me as a friend.

The only question left of course is – what now?

I turn to those wiser than I am –
When you long for blessings that you may not name, and when you grieve knowing not the cause, then indeed you are growing with all things that grow, and rising toward your greater self. – Khalil Gibran

I long, I grieve, I feel lost in the darkness of my own soul. Perhaps I am growing.

I can only suppose that it is so – by faith.

Trust

As part of our ‘professional development’, management has ordered key personnel to read and reflect upon selected books. The latest offering has been a rather flaccid, repetitive read entitled ‘The Power of Ren’. Dozed through the first six chapters and wondered why we were made to spend our time so unproductively.

But this morning, fresh from a weekend of encounters that has left my heart frail and aching, I came across this passage, entitled ‘Relinquishing Control’ - ‘Trust isn’t a concept; it is an experience. A concept can be defined in many ways, but experience is direct, and difficult to deceive ourselves about. Certain situations and people may make us feel uncomfortable, and when we are uncomfortable our experience tells us not to trust them. On the other hand, when we feel comfortable, our experience is telling us to trust. Trust is similar to responsibility and giving – offering it doesn’t necessarily get us anything in return. This is something we often fail to realize, and we fall into the trap of making our trust conditional. ‘If you do this,” we say ,”then we’ll trust you.” Or we say, “I trust you, so you have to do this,” or perhaps, ”If you don’t do this, you don’t trust me.” This is a form of passivity, when in fact, trust is about choice. We determine trust. Only we determine whether or not we will trust, and on what basis we choose to do so. Only once we understand this, do we have freedom of choice and are no longer simply being reactive.’

O wow. Another gentle wave of grace, washing my soul, healing my heart, stilling my overactive mind.

We determine trust. I determine trust.

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.’ Proverbs 3:5-6

Love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

5 March