A shadow of perfect..

My mind was in a whirl and I went jogging. Sunset over Kallang river, rosy clouds in the distance, rippling waves.. it looked positively utopic. Finally my mind rested. And a still small voice reminded me - He will keep in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee. Isaiah 26:3.
I paused and enjoyed the moment. It was easy to do when you look at something so beautiful and think about God's glory and beauty. But I questioned - how do I keep my mind stayed on Thee? The moment I turn away a billion other things pops in.. but as I continued jogging, the answer came.
Look at each broken bit as a shadow of what could be perfect. A littered beach.. meant to someday redeemed and filled with life, laughter. A quarrelling couple. Meant to someday wholly accept and love one another.
I remembered CS Lewis and 'the Last Battle'.. the animals finding that all they loved were but a shadow of what is perfect.
Perhaps as I search for the meant-to-be perfections behind each shadow, I will stay my mind on Him, the Prince of Peace.

Wedding fatigue

With the seventh month over, there's a sudden deluge of weddings.. Actually, it's 'just' three over three weekends, and in fact one is that of a very good friend.. but with a dinner pending tomorrow, I have SWF - sudden wedding fatigue.
Woke up this morning and felt that'empty stomach' feeling.. this vague sense that you've been drugged and kicked and just woke up with amnesia.. ever felt that way before?
Don't think i can ascribe it to the weddings per se, but rather a general sense of .hopelessness.. What's with that? Have i fallen to the prey of the 'one in ten singaporeans suffer from depression' statistic? Is this the time for prozac? I hope not.
Think positive.. watched 'Under the Tuscan sun' which made me laugh and cry, did work, sniffled, prayed, wrote the wedding speech (made me smile) and now blogging.
Is my only cure to work or move? Why do I feel ..sad.. when my mind is at ?rest?
Maybe i just think too much.

'She doesn't need the luck one'

Met an ex-student today. Wonderful time of talking and sharing, really appreciate how open and honest this person is, with me and with himself.
Something he said struck me. He was relating how he and another ex-student had been trying to buy me a teachers' day gift. They were choosing between a bracelet that symbolised luck and fortune, and another that symbolised friendship.
'Aiyah, she's so fortunate and lucky, she doesn't need the luck one. So blessed with so many things. Get her the friendship one then she'll rememebr our friendship.'
Yes I will. =)
When he said that, it forcibly struck me how incredibly blessed I appear to many many people. It made me ashamed of my lack of thanksgiving or whining about things that I don't happen to have.

Interesting that today was a day of different perspectives. During lunch break, two colleagues and I played a silly silly psycho-babble game.. I started : name two animals that you like and why.
I've always said 1) dolphin - intelligent , sociable, good mother
2) wolf - mysterious , beautiful, strong and travel in family groups.
I've always also freaked myself out by the interpretation of this game -
first animal is the person you want everyone to see you as (very accurate)
and the second animal is the person you would like to be with .(this has sent me into sleepless cycles.. sheesh.. is this why i'm attracted to silent, mysterious men? oh noooooo... )

But my colleague said that the game was actually about three animals -
the first - how you want others to see you,
the second - how others see you
the third - who you really are.

I realised how silly this parlour game is, how silly I have been to worry over this, but I smiled when i thought about my third animal - peregrine falcon. =)

Different perspectives..

Beautiful pause

For some unknown reason, I felt gorgeous today. Hopeful, renewed, thankful. The fact that someone I fancied has lied/may be lying to me seems.. inconsequential. I have incredible friends and family who love me, who think I'm fantastic. Who am I to disppoint them?
This whole episode is just another step to growing up and letting go of naive notions.. but I don't want to let go of my capacity to hope and feel and love. I think I'll still continue to want to give my best to everyone who earns my trust, but i'll just be more careful about who that entails..
On the way home, heard Gavin Degraw's 'I don't wanna be' on the radio. i rushed back, downloaded it and proceeded to head bang around the house. Yeah man.
This is great. =)

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son (businessman's daughter)
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son (housewife's daughter)
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn (hahah.. not surrounded, but seems to be a fair share around)
am i the only one to notice ?
I can't be the only one who's learned (i keep meeting girls who get bluffed.. aiyo, cannot like that kena conned..)

Can I have everyone's attention please
if you're not like this and that
You're gonna have to leave (no compromise)
I came from the mountains the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay and stone
and now I'm telling everybody
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me (yeah yeah yeah)

Sober now...

I am finally sober. No more romanticising and ascribing noble feelings to all and sundry. My past two posts have been extremely misguided. 'Give me one reason to stay here'? more like give me one reason to not completely emasculate you. As for the 'ride to nowhere', hmm.. what i was alluding to was definitely not as pretty as the bike ride. A poor shadow of what could be.
The only problem now is .. have I totally lost all faith in the existence of good men?

Wah Zan @Wala

Went to Wala's last night with a good friend.. fantastic feeling to chill out listening to incredible live singing on a bloody weekday night (screw wake-up times)... heard the band sing this - it resonated :
Give me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind
Baby I got your number and I know that you got mine
But you know that I called you I called too many times
You can call me baby you can call me anytime But you got to call me
Give me one reason to stay here - and I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely But you got to make me change my mind
I don't want no one to squeeze me - they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need (yeah man)
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy (spot on there)
Give me one reason to stay here - and I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind
Baby just give me one reason - Give me just one reason why
Baby just give me one reason - Give me just one reason why I should stay
Because I told you that I loved you
And there ain't no more to say - Tracy Chapman

The Ride To NoWhere

My sis and I went for an impromptu bike hike yesterday night... OUCH. East Coast to Orchard to NUS and back to East Coast via Pasir Panjang and Geylang. 7 hours, 4 reconstituted thighs.. I can barely walk this morning..
But it was beautiful. The weather was perfect, the drivers on the road - just insane enough to leave us with exciting memories without permanent scars. I had no idea so much of Singapore is paved for walkers and cowardly riders, that there are so many waterways and lovely images along our roads, that my shadow changes like Peter Pan's when i ride under the benevolent gaze of street lamps placed just so.
Was it a ride to nowhere? At many points along the journey, I asked myself what the hell i was doing on the road, butt aching, thighs screaming. Shouldn't i be home dozing off with a good book? Why was I subjecting myself to this torture?
But when we finally wheeled into East Coast, i was just... glad. glad we had done this, completed a journey, seen beauty i had not seen before.
I know that eventually, i'll be able to say the same things for other rides that have led to nowhere. In the menwhile, I'll have to nurse my pains.