Still ... seeking

Someone asked me why I chose 'still seeking' as a nic. I came across this quote. It's beautiful. Leaves me with some hope.

"God wanted to redeem men and open the way of salvation to those who seek Him. But men make themselves so unworthy of it that it is only just that God should refuse to some because of the hardness of heart what He gives to others from a compassion that they do not deserve.

If He had wanted to overcome the obstinacy of the most hardened, He could have done so by revealing Himself to them so obviously that they could not have doubted the truth of His Being—just as He will appear at the last day with such a clap of thunder and such an upheaval of nature that the dead will revive and the blindest will see.

It is not in this way, however, that He willed to appear at His gentle coming: because so many men had made themselves unworthy of His mercy, He willed to leave them deprived of the good which they did not desire.

And so it would not have been fair for Him to have appeared in an obviously divine manner, absolutely capable of convincing all men.

But also it would not have been fair for Him to appear in a manner so hidden that even those who were sincerely seeking Him should not be able to recognize Him...

So He has tempered His knowledge, by giving marks of Himself which were visible to those who seek Him, and not to those who seek Him not. "

... Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), Pensées [1660]

Grace for the prodigal

Met with B for a lovely lunch yesterday and I shared with him my growing reluctance at attending church services.

I explained that I don't feel sure that I will be able to obey God and make the right choices in the situations I am currently in. I have therefore concluded that to go before God (in church or in private) and claim to be loving and obedient and all is a terrible exercise of hypocrisy.

B looked at me in wide-eyed amazement.

'That's brilliant. Get your act together and depend on your own strength before you appear before God all righteous and all. That's very pagan.'

I cringed.

''This is the ultimate sin - pride. Who are you to be judging yourself when you should be standing before God?' Why must you pre-judge your future acts?'

But isn't God holy? And shouldn't I, if I claim to be a Christian, at least come with all sincerity of heart to obey (=love) Him? And if I can't...

B then plonked the parable of the prodigal son before me. Brief details - ingrate son takes rich father's money, fritters it away and ends up taking care of pigs in some far-off land. Amidst the swine, he realises that even his fether's workers have a better deal than him, so he resolves to go back home to try to get a job under his father. The (well-known) twist in the story is that the father sees him from a distance, runs to him and celebrates his return with no reprisals, rather, a full restoration of his status as a son.

B then asked me - do you think this son changed after his return?

I searched my memory bank. No particular allusion to that in the verses, although pastors have inevitable followed up to say that the love of God changes us.. etc.

There was every possibilty that this son would have gone for a second round of dissolute spending. More than a possiblity in fact.

And suddenly I finally saw how immense this grace of God is. And how utterly stingy I have viewed God to be.

"When do you think that moment of repentance came?' B probed further.

I kept silent. Unsure. Still reeling.

Amidst the swine, it is said 'And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!' (Luke 15:17)

When he came to himself.

When he realised who he was. How pathetic his circumstances.

When he came to himself.

I'm starting to come to myself, to my senses, to reality, to what I have really believed in, beneath the glossy veneer of pretty religious jargon.

Hebrews 11:6 -
And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is
and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.

Necessary mistakes

I finally finally caught the last few episodes of 'Sex and the City'. It boiled down to the main character Carrie following her Russian lover to Paris despite all the misgivings and warnings of her friends.

But as I watched the plot unfold, I realised that there was only one choice - she had to go to Paris, or else she would always be wondering if she had missed the chance of a lifetime.

As it turned out, Paris was a disaster.

But a necessary mistake.

I've been wondering why my (insatiable) curiosity and (fatal) optimism have been getting me into so much trouble.

But perhaps they've been necessary mistakes.

Or perhaps I'm just cooking up another pretty excuse for my foolhardiness.

Sigh.