Don't Cha

Went to Ministry of Sound last night. I'm too old for these - queues, stale smoke, crowds, people with no rhythm. Glad I was with E - we could both put on our du-lan faces with great freedom.

What struck me most was the crowd's response to the song 'Don't cha'. The lyrics in question are :
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha

Bad grammar aside, it was intriguing to see how .. mad.. the response was to this song - it seemed as if every girl wanted to prove that she was - yes - hotter and freakier than the girl next to her. The sweaty girl beside me gyrated faster and swung her hair furiouser around, intent on showing that she was.. worthy.

Odd. a century ago, worthiness was measured by one's chastity and dignity. Now it is measured by one's whorish freakiness. I think modern woman has done herself a disfavor.

Still - got to dance a bit.

The part of the night I enjoyed the most was my walk from Zouk to Raffles Place. There is a whole labyrinth of pathways that pass little offshoots of the Singapore river. The wind was blowing, and near Clarke Quay, there was a field where people were flying remote-controlled planes wildly decorated with neon lights. It was lovely.

30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

Spring Cleaning

Last night, with the false bravado afforded by drink, I sent a message that terminated a friendship. Not the best way I must admit.

Wished I had could have discussed the whole situation over coffee with the person in question, but there’s just been too many mind games and furtive behavior.

One time cut off is better right? Right?

Probably. In any case, what is done is done.

Spring cleaning in the new year. One is left covered in dust, with a mild regret for the things that had to be disposed of. A certain nostalgia when one remembers how the object looked when it was still new and full of promise.

'The art of losing isn't hard to master...'

Thanksgiving and Side-tracking

Two very good pieces of news - received confirmation in my supervisor post (finally - some money for the work I've been doing!) and principal is nominating me for some prestigious award (which I think I'm quite unworthy of actually, but feel honoured about being nominated...)

Yet - the question that is buzzing in my mind tonight is - what exactly am I looking for in a partner?
Sheesh - what a bimbotic turn of thought - yet I suppose it is very important to me.

I wrote somewhere before - 'Someone who means what he says and says what he means. Simple.' I was assured by Mr D.A. that this criteria was easily fulfilled by him.. haha.. how deluded he was.
But it is actually immensely difficult to fulfill.

'Someone who means what he says' - Is very clear about what he is saying, is willing to follow-up on it, does not promise things lightly, is a man of integrity, fears God.
'Someone who says what he means' - Is willing to explain and communicate, does not play games or beat around the bush or mislead, who is willing to take a risk in saying things.

Of course, the next question is - am I someone who means what I say and says what I mean? Who am I to expect this high standard if I cannot fulfill it myself?

For the most part, I believe I mean what I say. But sometimes I forget to follow-up, or I get soft-hearted and don't carry through a threat.
Do I say what I mean? Yes, I usually try to, though there are times I prefer to talk in layers.

If only I was as competent and confident in this area of relationships as I am in the area of work.. Then again, if that was the case, I probably would never have become a Christian in the first place.

9 And He said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

The art of conversation

I've been wondering what makes a good conversation.

Of course, alot depends on what one defines as a good conversation. Light amusing banter or weighty, insightful analyses? A good mix of both I assume.

And then there is the question of silence. E mentioned that I seem uncomfortable with silence when meeting new people, that I always seem to feel responsible for carrying the conversation.
That is true to a certain extent.

Perhaps cultivated from years of counselling, trying to get others to talk, or make others feel comfortable. It is tiring at times.

Or perhaps it stems not from altruism but from pride - a sense of 'I know you don't really know what to say, so let me help you since I can'.

In any case, I do enjoy comfortable silences. Seems elusive though. It scares me to see married couples staring past each other as they munch on their food. How can that be a silence that is 'comfortable'?

Then again, I have had comfortable silences with close friends. Maybe both need to be calm and completely at ease with one another for that to happen. Or maybe an extra ingredient of trust is needed.

By trust, I refer to the ability to trust the strength of the friendship - that when the time is right and the person is ready, he/she will share those thoughts with me if he/she chooses to. The question 'What are you thinking about?' appears loaded to some people. But I believe that in a friendship of trust, the other can either respond with complete truth, or respond with a 'Nothing' and be taken at face value.

What makes a good conversation? I realise that most people enjoy talking, revealing themselves. It is one of the most unique and intimate aspects of human interactions. Sacred.
I've also noted that I usually ask questions that I want others to ask me. (Self-centred, I admit) Some of the best conversations I've had have had alot of these to-ing and fro-ing.

And listening.

There's this book 'Momo' by Micheal Ende. The character Momo is a vagrant girl who enters a little town and uplifts it because of her unique ability - listening. She is so good at listening that those who speak to her find themselves, end conflicts, realise the errors of their ways. Ende described her listening so beautifully. With all her heart and body and soul, she would be listening.

I think it's true to say that true, empathetic listening does bring a certain extent of healing to the other.

On speaking, in the Bible :
14 ...We are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; 15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ.
Ephesians 4:14-15

5 Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. 6 Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.
Colossians 4:5-6

Another father figure

My OM (Operations Manager) just volunteered to match-make me with someone!
Hahahah.. so cute right?
Ever since I volunteered to help him out with his communication skills, he’s been exuding this very fatherly vibe towards me.

Today, he sat me down for breakfast coffee and very seriously asked me if I have made plans to take my Masters because it would definitely benefit me in the long run.
Soooo sweet!
He went on to say how it’s best to study while I still don’t have that many family commitments and so on.
So I (half-)jokingly mentioned that can’t get married anyway so needn’t worry about the family commitments..

Suddenly, he had a bright glint in his eye and started to talk about this family friend, waxing lyrical about this guy’s virtues and how it was that good guys didn’t seem to be able to find themselves girlfriends.

Hmm..

‘So how?’

Er.. hmm.

One Art

This poem was recited in the movie 'In Her Shoes'. Echoes in my heart.

One Art
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

- Elizabeth Bishop

Lonely at work

It gets very lonely at work sometimes.

I tend to work quite intensely, so I'll be juggling many tasks at a time. Interactions are also mostly transactional in nature. None of the long coffee sessions I have with friends.

So I end up opening extra windows on my computer, alternating between doing my work and peering at other worlds through random blogs. Or refreshing my email wondering if anyone wanted to contact me today. Or I find myself checking my handphone screen for that little envelope sign.

A quote from Khalil Gibran as food for thought :
'My loneliness was born when men praised my talkative faults and blamed my silent virtues.'

Are you happy?

A few times that I met B, he would startle me with the question 'So - are you happy?'

Inevitably, I would reply in fits and starts - yes, I am, for the most part - with disclaimers..
Why does this question startle me?
Why do i feel guilty and unsure when i say 'yes'?

What does happiness or joy feel like? Look like?

If it's a gentle calm - I've had it from time to time. (E calls it my zen mood). At rest is good.
If it's exuberance and vitality and abundance - i think i have a lot of that - though by the time i reach home i just want to be quiet.

What is a life that is continually rejoicing look like?
If I have it, will I know?

I have so many meaningful and joyous moments with friends and family. Is this it?

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! 5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.
Philippians 4:4-5

What about ordinary days?

Today was an absolutely ordinary day. Nothing particularly memorable happened. Took staff photos. Scolded some students, praised others. Did work. Met a friend for dinner and shopping and spent too much on shoes.

It's days like this that make me wonder what life is all about. I did not feel particulaly Christ-centred, I did not think of God or life until I sat down to type this out.

At Kinokuniya I chanced upon a book entitled 'The Magic of Ordinary Days'. It made me smile and hope, but I didn't get the book. Maybe I should.

Watched a dvd sermon by Rich Mullins the other day. Radical guy - yet radical in a very but-of-course-we-should-live-like-that kind of way. He quoted :
'I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.' John 10:10.
And Mullins said that if the entire goal of Jesus was to give us abundant life, then surely our goal is to live life abundantly.

Makes sense.

How oh how oh how.

Two other titles in Kinokuniya caught my eye 'The Year of Yes' and 'Yes Man'. Separate shelves and different sections, but i picked them up one after the other. Both were autobiographies of a woman and a man learning the power of saying 'yes' to every proposition that came to them.

Interesting notion.
Dangerous though.

Would that be living abundantly? Or perhaps foolishly.

Maybe I should not think so much. Sigh.

Twelve Steps

Was browsing around in a bookshop when I found M Scott Peck's 'The Road Less Travelled and Beyond'. i had just completed the firstbook (same title, without the 'beyond') and it had blown my mind. {Thank you A!! }

In this browsing copy, I was struck by what Peck proposed as an ideal church community. He suggested that Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step programme is actually an ideal template for everyone - because we are all addicts in one way or another.

We worship ourselves, money, romance, hobbies, children, pleasure, work.......

I thought there is enormous truth in that.
These are the 12 steps, and a mix of Peck's suggestions and my adaptations.

The 12 Steps
Step ONE :
AA : We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
Church : We admit we are powerless over our addiction to sin - that our lives are unmanageable ('for all have sinned and falled short of the glory of God')

Step TWO:
AA: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Church : We have to believe that God and His Spirit is the only one who can restore us to sanity. (Not human rules and regulations)

Step THREE :
AA : Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God Church : Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God despite our lack of understanding of Him, in the face of His awesome mystery.

Step FOUR :
AA : Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Church : Make a continual searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves - not of others

Step FIVE:
AA : Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Church : Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs (Guess this is what 'accountability' is. but what courage and brokeness it requires.
'Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.' James 5:16)

Step SIX :
AA: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Church : Become entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
(I think if most of us really search within ourselves, we will find that we want to hold on to some of these'defects' due to the perverse pleasures that they bring. )

Step SEVEN:
AA: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
Church : Humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings (Very much linked to step 6)

Step EIGHT:
AA: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Church : Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
(Gosh, how many of us are actually willing to do this? It's true that pride is the worst sin of all..)


Step NINE :
AA : Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Church : Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others (Again, many of us hide behind convenient church structures and false niceties instead of doing this.)

Step TEN :
AA: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Church : Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it (i guess many of us become too self-sufficient and self-righteous over time to be able to do this)

Step ELEVEN :
AA :Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
Church : Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out (One of the most beautiful, practical and most humble definitions of prayer I have seen)

Step TWELVE:
AA : Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
Church : 19 "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:18 - 19

A belated 'Merry Christmas'

I just caught 'Merry Christmas' - oh wow.
Sobbed at certain bits.
It's about a ceasefire between three groups of soldiers at the trenches on Christmas eve.
The brutality and senselessness of war, and the grace that redeems the men are all beautifully portrayed.

It really makes one question how wars can ever be good.

At the same time, some of the great Christian writers I admire (eg CS Lewis) were for England joining the war at that time. The God-sanctioned mass exterminations of various people groups in the Old Testament of the Bible also cannot be ignored.

Is my viewpoint too humanistic and not awesome-God centred enough? Or has redemption through Jesus in the New Testament rendered all wars after His coming evil? How can one deny that the Allies' defeat of Nazi germany prevented more great evil?

Hm.

In any case, the thing that struck me the most in the movie was the persecution that all three camps suffered after fraternising with the enemy. In one poignant scene, the priest who conducted the moving Christmas mass at the trenches is berated by his superior and asked if he is fit to continue in the priesthood. This superior then proceeds to give a sermon inciting the men to kill all enemies - young, old, woman or child. It was disgusting to see the gospel of peace perverted for men's bloodlust and false patriotism. Yet this happens all the time.



18 If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you. 19 "If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you.
John 15 :18 - 19

9 "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
10 "Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 "Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.
12 "Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matthew 5:9 -12

My relationship with books

I've loved books since I was young. Now, given a good book, I'm willing to forego TV, company, food and sleep.

B used to want me to stop reading as he probably felt that I was trying to live my life based on half-baked, piecemeal theories adopted from all over the shop. There is much truth in that. Hopefully, I have outgrown that habit. Hmm.

But i found a passage in 'Gilead' (by Marilynne Robinson. gosh i'm so in love with this book..) that beautifully summarises my relationship with books.

' But I've developed a great reputation for wisdom by ordering more books than I ever had enough time to read, and reading more books, by far, than I learned anything useful from, except, of course, that some very tedious gentlemen have written books. This is not a new insight, but the truth of it is something you have to experiencec to fully grasp.

Thank God for them all, and of course, and for that strange interval, which was most of my life, when I read out of loneliness, and when bad company was much better than no company. You can love a bad book for its haplessness or pomposity or gall, if you have that starveling appetite for things human, which I devoutly hope you never will have. 'The full soul loatheth an honeycomb; but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.' There are pleasures to be found where you would never look for them. '

2 seconds

I met S, an ex-student, the other day for coffee. (One of the perks of my job - friendships where I see teens grow into adults, a great privilege).

S used to be really emotional and acid-tongued. But over these past two years, he's grown tremendously as a person. One very interesting thing that he brought up the other day was his 'initial 2 seconds' thoughts.

For instance, when pissed, the initial 2-econd-thought would be - I really feel like smacking your face in right now. Whereas the actual follow-up words could be - Actually, I disagree with that.

I told him that everyone has the 2-second evil thoughts, and what counts most of all is the fact that we have self-control to not kill/maim/destroy with our words and deeds.

But I've been thinking about what I said. Is it really true that self control counts towards goodness? Would a genuinely loving person have that 2-second thought? It's probably progressive -

4.. so that... you may become partakers of the divine nature...
5 Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, 6 and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, 7 and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love.
2 Peter 1:4 - 7

Real Communion

Two movements merge in the real act of communion. First, the creature's profound sense of need, of incompleteness: its steadfast desire... Next, a humble and loving acceptance of God’s answer to that prayer of desire, however startling, disappointing, and unappetizing it may be. ... Evelyn Underhill (1875-1941)

Judge not..

Went to a lovely baby blessing gathering today, as well as a nice ladies' lunch.
After that, started wandering arounf Orchard Road as usual. but instead of the contented satisfaction of yesterday, I felt a gaping hole in my heart.
Why? I wondered.
And then it occurred to me that I was feeling rejected and abandoned. Someone I like regards me only as a friend.
But why the gaping hole? Why so crushed?

Suddenly, the answer came.
1 "Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2 "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:1- 2

I have catergorised every guy I have ever met under one of the following categories - gay, married, cannot-make-it or has potential.
In judging them, I have heaped judgement on myself. Everytime I meet someone who 'has potential', the fact that this person may not see me in the same light crushes me, for I have automatically labelled myself as 'cannot-make-it' , there being only 4 catergories.

All this heartache over the years. Mind-boggling. How did I miss the wisdom in this verse?

What to do then? Repent. Realise the unique make-up of each person, myself included. Stop judging.

2006 looks like it's going to be a life-changing year! =)

Growing Up in the New Year

Happy new year!!!

For the first time ever, I have really been very happy throughout this first day of 2006.
Last night, spent a beautiful time at a friend's house. We talked till 5am.. of things that were hilarious and trivial, profound and lovely.

One thing i had asked my learned friends about was the odd juxtaposition of
Matthew 7:6 - 11
6 "Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
7 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 "For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9 "Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? 10 "Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? 11 "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!'

What was with the swine and the asking? What meaning lay behind this often (tritely) quoted verse on receiving good stuff?

R elucidated that it meant giving the living, precious truth of God. Dogs and swine would not understand it, would even turn hostile.

Jesus must have been damn frus when He said that to His bunch of perpetually confused disciples and the ever-condescending Pharisees.

But the verse on asking would be a redemption of the dogs and swine. If anyone would truly ask for truth, he/she would receive it.

And from whom, and for what purpose?
From a God who is good, overflowing. Bread and fish, like what Jesus had multiplied for the multitudes, for survival.

And it boiled down to this - that the living truth of God is not meant for us to analyse and showcase in pretty glass packages, It is bread and fish. Simply for survival.
And to get it, I need to realise that i have been as dogs and swine before. i need to be desperate enough for truth to ask and seek and knock. To be desperate enough to know that my soul is slowly starving without this bread and fish.

B talked about the 'luxury truths' of God versus the plain, bread truth. Showcase vs sustenance.
I am desperate for it. Blind, naked and wrteched.

This morning, during service, the choir sang a very simple song (Glory to the Lamb). i was so overwhelmed by thankfulness at how God has seen me through this year. More than seen through, He has blessed me immeasurably.

I need to grow up, to see the truth in my relationships, to face the truth, and bind grace with that living truth. To stop being a narcissist who only sees how others have/may hurt me.
So that's my resolution - to grow up.


The verse I received for 2006 :
1 Corinthians 13:4 - 6
4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails..

My Egyptian Encounters..

Hmmm... middle-eastern men are cute and flirtatious.. not a very healthy combination when one is thirsting for attention, but very ego-boosting I must admit.
It didn't help that i was travelling with someone (the only guy in a foursome) who had absolutely NO CONCEPT of the notion of gallantry. Not a single time was any help offered when his 3 female companions struggled along with luggage.His frequent giggling was also .. urgh.
Am I being too judgemental? Perhaps. i suppose i'm the one who has certain expectations. This guy was just planning to enjoy his trip. But why did it irk me so much? hmm..

The history of Egypt is just so incredibly rich.. A synagogue where Moses was supposed to have been picked up from the bulrushes, a church cellar where the Holy Family stayed over, hieroglyphics recounting how Pharoah had been engulfed by the Red Sea. Gosh.

But the main revelation I received was about - the manger. There were camels, donkeys, horses all over the place (i was astoundedby how poor it is), and anywhere where there was more than one horse gathered (especially in an enclosed space), the stench of horse shit was just overpowering.
Why oh why oh why, I wondered, had the God of the universe chosen a manger to be born? Surrounded by hay stained with green, stinky, sticky horse-shit. It made me marvel at how great His grace is, how willing he was to be utterly humiliated.
On new year's day, i was doubly blessed when this revelation was added upon. A very wise friend shared about a sermon he had heard at his church. It was about how God had chosen to tell the news of His birth - first to the idolaters (Magi), the shrewd, poor deceivers (Shepherds) and finally, later, to the church (Anna). How then shall He reveal Himself again in this new age? Who are we to judge the idolaters and deceivers among us?
A humbling truth indeed.

One my birthday (in Egypt) I was also incredibly blessed. Got to share of some truth of the Lord with my Egyptian guide. A rare privilege. i'm praying that the the Thomas Kempis book i passsed to him will open his heart.


Once again, i read through this entry and I'm struck by the schizo effect it has. Started off with bitching and ended praising. Then again, most of the psalms follow this pattern too.. hmm. =)

Gilead

One of the most delicately written, grace-filled books i have ever read is 'Gilead' by Marilynne Robinson. The love of a father, of a good man, just seeps out from its pages.. i actually cried on the MRT while reading it.. embarassing sia...

Inertia

Amazing how a good habit can slip away so easily.. Somehow, with the holiday season, I stopped writing in this blog.
So many good things, confusing things, exciting things, irritating things.. happened.
Where shall i begin?
With the next entry. =)