The farthest reach...

'As the farthest reach of our love for each other is loving our enemies,
and as the farthest reach of God's love for us is loving us at our most unlovable and unlovely,
so the farthest reach of our love for God is loving Him when in almost every way that matters we can neither see him nor hear Him, and when He himself might well be our enemy.'
- Frederick Buechner 'A Room Called Remember', on Love.

1 John 4:19 - We love, because He first loved us.

Zen and the Art of Shopping

In the midst of re-reading Robert Pirsig's 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' and I cannot help but wonder -

why o why o why o why do I shop so much?

If there is a profound philosophical basis for motorcycle maintenance, then what of shopping, which takes up incredible amounts of time and resources?

I used to think that shopping was for me, the thrill of the hunt. To snag the best buy, the prettiest thing, was a pseudo-replacement for some primeval urge to hunt. So I could blame it on residual animal instinct and not feel too guilty about it.

However, when I was browsing amongst the dizzying array of beaded blouses and multi-coloured coats in This Fashion the other day - it suddenly hit me.

Shopping is about wanting to possess beauty.

I don't feel this fervent rush to buy buy buy when I walk through a beautiful park or visit an art gallery, mainly because it never crosses my mind (or I don't have the resources) to purchase a stunning tree formation or a famous painting. Yet, it's that same sense of admiration that I have for a beautifully-cut dress or a particularly attractive top.

More than that, it's the hope that I can clothe myself in beauty and thus possess beauty in a tangible manner.

I'm not sure if the same concept would apply to a techno-geek or a movie maniac. But at least I know the next time I have a shopping hunger, I can go out......... and look at some trees. =)

Services Terminated

I've been leading children's worship at my ex-church for about a year over now. (basically that means I lead the singing, and pray with them or for them sometimes.)

It's been good. Always felt blessed/humbled/refreshed/rebuked after each session.

And I was particularly impressed that the pastor ic had the liberal-mindedness to let someone who was not completely in this church system to lead worship as a 'guest' worship-leader.

Today however, my services were terminated. A new pastor is now in-charge. And I possibly will 'not flow' with the direction of the ministry.

It puzzles me that if Jesus gave us ONE great commission , which is to "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit" Matthew 28:19 , then how far off can I be? Even if I'm from another church in another country, state or continent?

Very perturbing.

In any case, it's answered prayer. I had prayed in my heart that I would serve with all i could if they asked me to stay, and I would not debate if they asked me to leave.

So there's that mild homesicknesses that comes from leaving familiar places and faces, and a certain disappointment. But I'm more perturbed than anything.

Sigh.

Eternity

A long jog this morning and I realised a truth that brought tears to my eyes.

I just finished reading CS Lewis' 'The Great Divorce', which is a fictional tale of a man's journey to hell and heaven. Many profound ideas that I am still mulling over, but the concept of Eternity and Time kept coming to the fore.

The idea of God who is an Author of all and who can step in and out of the stream of Time at any moment was explored in Jostein Gaardner's 'Sophie's World'. Gaardner proposed that while an author of a book may take one year to write the sentence 'Sophie waited for an hour', to the character of Sophie, only one hour has passed. So too God can step in and out of our human timeframes.

CS Lewis proposes that the promises of the Bible (eg. 'that none shall perish') can and will come to pass in the timeframe of Eternity. More than that, he wrote of Christ descending to hell to preach, that even in hell, souls have a choice for redemption.
I researched and found this to be verified - "Who shall descend into the deep? (that is, to bring up Christ again from the dead.)" Romans 10:7

This blew my mind. I have underestimated the love and mercy of God. When my father had died, both my sister and I had received many assurances about his salvation.
But on some nights, I have my doubts.
Last year, I had a beautiful, incredibly vivid dream of my father thanking my mother for bringing us up. He gave her three rings representing each of us daughters, and assured her that he was well.
But still, there are times I wonder, what were his last thoughts?

After reading of this incredible interpretation of heaven and hell - I know that God's mercy extends through time, space, religious legalism, doubts and fear.

Rich Mullins wrote this song inspired by Psalm 139 - Nothing is Beyond You.

Where could I go, where could I run
Even if I found the strength to fly
And if I rose on the wings of the dawn
And crashed through the corner of the sky
If I sailed past the edge of the sea
Even if I made my bed in Hell
Still there You would find me

'Cause nothing is beyond You
You stand beyond the reach
Of our vain imaginations
Our misguided piety
The heavens stretch to hold You
And deep cries out to deep
Singing that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You*

Time cannot contain You
You fill eternity
Sin can never stain You
Death has lost its sting
And I cannot explain the way
You came to love me
Except to say that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
If I should shrink back from the light
So I can sink into the dark
If I take cover and I close my eyes
Even then You would see my heart
And You'd cut through all my pain and rage
The darkness is not dark to You
And night's as bright as day

*And I cannot explain the way You came to love me
Except to say that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You.

Finally I've learnt what this song means.

'Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day.'
-Lamentations 3:23

Naggaphobic...

Today, I realised the extent of my phobia of nagging.

I'm in charge of vetting testimonials for graduating classes. This is actually a barrel of laughs - examples of actual comments: 'He is a super bilingual', 'Due to his high concentration power','He is a grateful student', 'He obeys instructions and never stands up to teachers', 'He was the flag-barrier for the flag party in his CCA' - hahahahahaha......... I started envisioning students with magical kungfu skills, little dogs at obedience school, traffic controllers...

Anyway - the form teachers are supposed to come up with the testimonials and i vet. Simple enough. But due to an administrative cock-up, the paragraphs some teachers prepared were too lengthy to be uploaded into the system. Stupid system, and i felt really bad about the teachers having to further edit - but....
I explained the situation and most of them understood the contraints, but one teacher kept hounding me about the word limit. Her questioning and explanations and account of what she had done were so incessant that in the end - i decided i could just do the extra editing and uploading of the work for her.
That was like one and a half hours of extra work just to avoid nagging.
No joke man.

Succinct. Why can't everyone be more succinct? (Gosh, I love this word, just pronounce out loud - it's like sucking on a lollipop and then giving it a final lick. hahah.. delicious. ) Some words just turn me on. hahaha... Tarmac is another word. Rolling, light 'r' followed by another lip-smacking sound. sigh... imagine - 'He stood on the tarmac, and gave a succinct reply.' Sigh.
hahahaha.. siao already.

My mother has one bad case of verbal diarrhoea. But she's been improving, and i think I've been improving in my ability to sift through the info overload and just accept her like that.
She recently signed up for a course on child care - poor thing - studying for the first time in 40 years.. woah.
So, she was going on about the teacher being too fast and how she was worried about assignments. But I am convinced that it'll be good for her - told her that for the first time in her life she'll learn the important skill of Summarizing.

Succinct.

haha.

My new friend

My new phone weighs half that of its predecessor. Slim and silver, it has the most essential of functions - no camera/video/triband/switchblade/firestarter - but it does have a radio, which is actually all I really want, apart from the typical phone conveniences of contact list and calendar.

I like it.

Guess it's good to keep things simple - phones included.

I shall call it Kit.

The service provider people whom I lambasted were really nice. Just typical Singaporeans trying to work within a screwed up system. The most I can fault them is a lack of initiative or analysis. Sigh.

ALAS!!! ALACK! !!!

O WOE IS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOMEONE STOLE MY HANDPHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every exclamation mark is to counteract my superbly cool demeanour as I assure my colleagues that 'It's ok, no big deal'.
I had left my handphone on my desk and gone for a silly briefing. On my way back to my seat, my uncanny intuition (ok, think it was Someone) told me - check your handphone.
GONE GONE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O WOE IS MEEEEEEE.................

I am amazed by colleagues' immediate reaction.
The uber-insensitive ones : Aiyo, why you put there? Sure get stolen la. Why so careless?
I replied to two of these specimens - Thank you for your sympathetic response.
That shut one of them up. The other one said - Don't be sarcastic. I rolled my eyes, then smiled. Wa lao, EQ where har?

The overly concerned naggy ones : Aiyo, are you sure are you sure it's here? Did you bring it? Where did you put it? Did you call the number?
Yes, it was. Yes I did. No I am not an imbecile.
But they were trying to be nice, so I kept my comments to myself.

The smart nice ones gave a genuinely concerned look, asked once, and backed off.
Do not mess with Traumatised Woman.

The police and service provider are another cause for concern.
WHITHER COMMON SENSE???????
I call the service provider, asking them to trace calls made from the phone today.
'Sorry, we'll only know at the end of the month when the bill is ready'
Huh? Are there no crisis managment procedures? Surely mine is not the first phone stolen?

I leave them alone and call the police.
I explain the situation, ask if they can help me to trace numbers dialled out, or at least order the service provider to do so.
'Why do you need to trace?' says Mr Police Officer.
'So that you can track down who the culprit calls and hopefully identify the culprit' I volunteer helpfully, in a slow manner so that Mr Police Officer can comprehend this momentous concept.
'Oh.' Mr Police Officer says.

AAAAARERRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

WAH LAO EH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must teach you how to track criminal har????? Wah Lao Eh!

DEEP BREATH.

Sheesh.

A song on the bus

On the way to school this morning, I heard this classic on the radio -

Hold on little girl (I perked up, imagining God was talking to me)
Show me what he's done to you (well, not much, but I bruise easily, you know me)
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad (Whine. sigh.)
When it's through, it's through (Yep)
Fate will twist the both of you (yep, yep)
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you ( I smiled to myself)

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too (I'm starting to feel it from deep inside)
Waited on a line of greens and blues (Ok, like I've never been able to get this part of the song)
Just to be the next to be with you (Not just the next, but the forevermore ya? )

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once (yeah, I'm no victim!)
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much (hahahahahahahah...)
I've seen it all go down (Yes, Lord, you sure have)
Your game of love was all rained out ( I'm sure You planned it in Your perfect ways)
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you =)

Mr Big - Be With You

Psalms 18:2 -
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Of harshness and heroes

Met Jim and his wife Jo, the other day. Jim knows me from junior college, and we've witnessed the tremendous changes in character and temperment that God has wrought in our lives. This is the guy who had said this about me 'She's a hopeless case. Won't change. How to be a christian?' i has said of him ' christian? what a freaking hypocrite then.'
B, our mutual friend, the man who taught me how to pray and who has been giving me all sorts of advice over the years, was our peacemaker.
Now, Jim and I trust and respect each other immensely. Amazing.

In any case, we met up that day and when I told him about how I had been freaked out by B's comments on the evil influence of church and such.
Jim had refused to comment on B's views. all he said was that B cared for me a great deal, talked about me constantly, and - in Jim's words - seemed to regard me as a daughter in all the ways he talked about me and lamented about my plight.

Then, Jim said to me - don't you realise that you are always harshest to those who love you the most?

I was stunned.

I am never harsh with E whom I love alot. Neither am I harsh with Cellina or her boys, or Yve or Grace or JM.. okay, all girlfriends here.
I find it difficult to be harsh with students even when they irritate the ell out of me. (But I suppose they don't fit the criteria of loving me alot).

I am harsh with my mum - who loves me the most - though I have improved a great deal and become a little more patient.
And I tend to be harsh on myself. (And we all love ourselves, whether healthily or narcissistically).

Harsh with B because he loves me? No. I do not think so. I'm avoiding him because I know I can't be harsh with him. I feel defenceless as i have always regarded him so highly, yet i disbelieve what he has been preaching these days.

Perhaps it is not about harshness, but about being able to accept the flaws in my 'heroes'. I am beginning to understand that expecting myself,and those i love, to be perfect is a terrible thing.


Mark 10:18
And Jesus said to him, "Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone.

A reality check

I am so thankful for E. Excerpts from her mail to me -
'Despite your words, proclamations or views, do you want to trust in God, trust that in Him, you are made perfect and wonderful and also trust that partnered or partner-less, God can work through and in you and make you whole. Can you sacrifice the dream you always harboured of a family in exchange for God's promise that he will take care of you, come what may; that man will fail but God would not, you. It is often easier said than done, but you need tohave faith that God has his plan for you, he doesn't expect that you will always bask in or agree with his plan for you, but his grace is sufficient for you.'

In all my worry and in all my conduct, I have not been trusting in God. I have been grasping, groping in the dark. One problem is I have been confused as to what to trust God for. A partner? An answer? Peace? Freedom from loneliness?

To trust that He will take care of me, accept my frailties, understand me fully, reveal Himself in intimacy and comfort and love. That must be it.
Even as I write this I know He has been using my circle of friends to be His hands of comfort, His voice of reason, His intent of love towards me. yet i have been blind.

E also asked me if Mr D.A's rejection was a wound to my ego or feelings, or both.

Ah.. both. Much of the ego.... perhaps more of a deflated hope - a hope that had been centred on God's answer to my longstanding question - why aren't I good enough to be loved?
But that question goes back to me trusting God and recognising that I am indeed very well-loved.

A last point that E mentioned -
'Seriously, I often felt that you came across as either overly positive or overly negative in your relationships with men. My prayer for you is to continue to have or find the balance in your relationships with people, esp men, to trust in them and in God, and not allow your previous experiences or your desires to alter the reality and affect your ability to enjoythings as they are.'

'Alter the reality' really struck me. Here I am, trained to pick up nuances of speech and language, adept at examining analogies and crafting dialogue and strategic plans - yet i have been an utter child in my labelling of men and relationships. i have preferred to place each person in a convenient box and tick off how i should deal with each of them.

Suddenly it strikes me that I have been trying to box myself up too. What label should i give myself, so that i can manage my own reactions?

i am thankful that God and my friends do not see me in this myopic way.

Today would be my father's 65th birthday had he lived.
Happy birthday Daddy. I miss you. I'm sorry I didn't say many things I wanted to say to you.

John 14:1-31
1 "Don't be troubled. You trust God, now trust in me. 2 There are many rooms in my Father's home, and I am going to prepare a place for you. If this were not so, I would tell you plainly. 3 When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.