Self-absorbed

I’ve just been accused of being self-absorbed.

The person who pointed out this fact would undoubtedly take umbrage at my usage of the word ‘accused’, as well as with my cerebral dissection of what has just transpired.

Is t true? Have I become so cut off from /protective of my emotions that I can only process everything cerebrally nowadays?

I definitely agree that I am self-absorbed. Why else does one have a blog that incessantly tries to dig deeper and deeper into one’s own psyche?

The only question is to what extent.

To the extent that I have put unuttered expectations on all around me?
To the extent that I expect all conversation to concern me?
To the extent that I have withdrawn my real reactions so that I commune with my own thoughts and censor what I have to say to others?

Too self-absorbed. Too intense. Too many expectations.

Ouch ouch ouch.

Is this really me?
(hah, is that too self-absorbed a question?)
Does a genuine bid to be a better person count under self-absorption?

Is intensity some character flaw that needs to be corrected?

‘But why do you need a reason for everything? Do you know how tiring it is to talk to you?’

No, I don’t need a reason for everything. But yes, it’ll be nice if you could explain when you do say something is wrong with me. I didn’t realize that was too much to ask. Too intense.

No. I didn’t realize how tiring it is to talk to me. I thought many people enjoy talking to me. Perhaps I have been delusional.

One part of me reads what I have written here and I can see the sarcasm that bleeds from my words, truly indicative of how hurt I feel.

But one part of me has absorbed (interesting word) what has been said and I wonder if it hurts so much only because I think it’s true, that it must be true since the person who said this is someone I trust and someone who is wise and who loves me as a friend.

The only question left of course is – what now?

I turn to those wiser than I am –
When you long for blessings that you may not name, and when you grieve knowing not the cause, then indeed you are growing with all things that grow, and rising toward your greater self. – Khalil Gibran

I long, I grieve, I feel lost in the darkness of my own soul. Perhaps I am growing.

I can only suppose that it is so – by faith.