A reality check

I am so thankful for E. Excerpts from her mail to me -
'Despite your words, proclamations or views, do you want to trust in God, trust that in Him, you are made perfect and wonderful and also trust that partnered or partner-less, God can work through and in you and make you whole. Can you sacrifice the dream you always harboured of a family in exchange for God's promise that he will take care of you, come what may; that man will fail but God would not, you. It is often easier said than done, but you need tohave faith that God has his plan for you, he doesn't expect that you will always bask in or agree with his plan for you, but his grace is sufficient for you.'

In all my worry and in all my conduct, I have not been trusting in God. I have been grasping, groping in the dark. One problem is I have been confused as to what to trust God for. A partner? An answer? Peace? Freedom from loneliness?

To trust that He will take care of me, accept my frailties, understand me fully, reveal Himself in intimacy and comfort and love. That must be it.
Even as I write this I know He has been using my circle of friends to be His hands of comfort, His voice of reason, His intent of love towards me. yet i have been blind.

E also asked me if Mr D.A's rejection was a wound to my ego or feelings, or both.

Ah.. both. Much of the ego.... perhaps more of a deflated hope - a hope that had been centred on God's answer to my longstanding question - why aren't I good enough to be loved?
But that question goes back to me trusting God and recognising that I am indeed very well-loved.

A last point that E mentioned -
'Seriously, I often felt that you came across as either overly positive or overly negative in your relationships with men. My prayer for you is to continue to have or find the balance in your relationships with people, esp men, to trust in them and in God, and not allow your previous experiences or your desires to alter the reality and affect your ability to enjoythings as they are.'

'Alter the reality' really struck me. Here I am, trained to pick up nuances of speech and language, adept at examining analogies and crafting dialogue and strategic plans - yet i have been an utter child in my labelling of men and relationships. i have preferred to place each person in a convenient box and tick off how i should deal with each of them.

Suddenly it strikes me that I have been trying to box myself up too. What label should i give myself, so that i can manage my own reactions?

i am thankful that God and my friends do not see me in this myopic way.

Today would be my father's 65th birthday had he lived.
Happy birthday Daddy. I miss you. I'm sorry I didn't say many things I wanted to say to you.

John 14:1-31
1 "Don't be troubled. You trust God, now trust in me. 2 There are many rooms in my Father's home, and I am going to prepare a place for you. If this were not so, I would tell you plainly. 3 When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.