the shit hits the fan.. the fan whirrs... I climb above..

SO.

What a difference a day makes. Or in this case, a week.
Three different cases of exam cock-ups. All under my department.
Two cock-ups were absolutely not under my control, the third I was trying to help someone and ended up exarcebating the problem.
But - I'm rather proud of myself.
After a day of vacillating, I stood up, owned up. And more shit came.
I think my peak stress point was on Wednesday - cold sweat, couldn't eat, felt like running away from the office and never coming back.
After that point, when MORE shit came, I just .... coasted. Too-dee-too-dee-doo... life goes on... lalala... Managed situations calmly.. type type type letters.. lalala...

This ability to turn off is a wonderful God-sent gift I tell you. I'm not sure why but after I pass peak stress point, I start to have this bubbly, amused feeling inside of me. (My thoughts go something like : Hmm..haha.. life is very funny. I wonder what will happen next..)

I guess it's part of just letting go of... fear?
Don't want to fear losing the position (didn't ask for it in the first place)
Don't want to fear being disliked (those who really know me will trust me anyay)
Don't want to fear losing financial security (this is the hard one....but i think I'm learning to trust God in this area.. )
Don't want to fear being alone in the midst of a crisis (This is the hardest one of all.. The odd thing is that i do have close, wonderful friends who'll be there for me in a moment. And i do believe God is always watching out for me.. yet..?
Yet even if there was a 'special someone' (ewwww.. one of the grossest phrases ever invented), I could still feel alone. No one but me can ever walk around in this skin this side of heaven.

Deal with it babe.