Things to be happy with

I started today beset by a tremendous ulcer, work stress and general lethargy. But at 4pm, with my voice finally recorded for some video, I decided - I will cook mee sua.

Haha.

It has turned out to be another one of those perfectly contented evenings.

The ingredients? (I need to note this as I prepare to live alone, whether overseas or in Singapore)

- a good radio station (equipment : dependable broadband on computer to get internet radio stations, or an affordable stereo system. Preferably both.)
- access to affordable groceries (equipment : fridge, nice big boiling pan, knife, basic cutlery and bowl, plate)
- a good workout routine (equipment : skipping rope and weights, especially if it’s winter or I don’t feel safe jogging alone)
- a good book (equipment : a library card, so I don’t need to bring the books back if I’m returning from overseas. Or maybe bookmooch!)

Gosh, takes so little to make one happy. Yay. =)

As for the mee sua – I added Chinese parsley, oyster mushrooms, quail’s eggs, instant shrimp wanton. Hmm… not bad. Maybe add Knorr cube the next time round… Yum!

'Then they were glad because they were quiet, So He guided them to their desired haven. ' Psalm 107:30

Self-absorbed

I’ve just been accused of being self-absorbed.

The person who pointed out this fact would undoubtedly take umbrage at my usage of the word ‘accused’, as well as with my cerebral dissection of what has just transpired.

Is t true? Have I become so cut off from /protective of my emotions that I can only process everything cerebrally nowadays?

I definitely agree that I am self-absorbed. Why else does one have a blog that incessantly tries to dig deeper and deeper into one’s own psyche?

The only question is to what extent.

To the extent that I have put unuttered expectations on all around me?
To the extent that I expect all conversation to concern me?
To the extent that I have withdrawn my real reactions so that I commune with my own thoughts and censor what I have to say to others?

Too self-absorbed. Too intense. Too many expectations.

Ouch ouch ouch.

Is this really me?
(hah, is that too self-absorbed a question?)
Does a genuine bid to be a better person count under self-absorption?

Is intensity some character flaw that needs to be corrected?

‘But why do you need a reason for everything? Do you know how tiring it is to talk to you?’

No, I don’t need a reason for everything. But yes, it’ll be nice if you could explain when you do say something is wrong with me. I didn’t realize that was too much to ask. Too intense.

No. I didn’t realize how tiring it is to talk to me. I thought many people enjoy talking to me. Perhaps I have been delusional.

One part of me reads what I have written here and I can see the sarcasm that bleeds from my words, truly indicative of how hurt I feel.

But one part of me has absorbed (interesting word) what has been said and I wonder if it hurts so much only because I think it’s true, that it must be true since the person who said this is someone I trust and someone who is wise and who loves me as a friend.

The only question left of course is – what now?

I turn to those wiser than I am –
When you long for blessings that you may not name, and when you grieve knowing not the cause, then indeed you are growing with all things that grow, and rising toward your greater self. – Khalil Gibran

I long, I grieve, I feel lost in the darkness of my own soul. Perhaps I am growing.

I can only suppose that it is so – by faith.

Trust

As part of our ‘professional development’, management has ordered key personnel to read and reflect upon selected books. The latest offering has been a rather flaccid, repetitive read entitled ‘The Power of Ren’. Dozed through the first six chapters and wondered why we were made to spend our time so unproductively.

But this morning, fresh from a weekend of encounters that has left my heart frail and aching, I came across this passage, entitled ‘Relinquishing Control’ - ‘Trust isn’t a concept; it is an experience. A concept can be defined in many ways, but experience is direct, and difficult to deceive ourselves about. Certain situations and people may make us feel uncomfortable, and when we are uncomfortable our experience tells us not to trust them. On the other hand, when we feel comfortable, our experience is telling us to trust. Trust is similar to responsibility and giving – offering it doesn’t necessarily get us anything in return. This is something we often fail to realize, and we fall into the trap of making our trust conditional. ‘If you do this,” we say ,”then we’ll trust you.” Or we say, “I trust you, so you have to do this,” or perhaps, ”If you don’t do this, you don’t trust me.” This is a form of passivity, when in fact, trust is about choice. We determine trust. Only we determine whether or not we will trust, and on what basis we choose to do so. Only once we understand this, do we have freedom of choice and are no longer simply being reactive.’

O wow. Another gentle wave of grace, washing my soul, healing my heart, stilling my overactive mind.

We determine trust. I determine trust.

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.’ Proverbs 3:5-6

Love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

5 March