Hold On

There's this classic scene from Harold and Kumar when they steal the monsterjeep of this hooligan gang and discover that the playlist in the jeep is full of sappy songs. So after they mock and laugh, they listen to the songs, and at one point, Wilson Phillips' 'Hold on' comes on and they cannot help but sheepishly ,tentatively, exuberantly sing along to it. I don't know why, but the scene always cracks me up.

Maybe it's because i remember my older sis teaching me how to sing it (and harmonise along) with her when she was in secondary school and i was in primary school.
Maybe it's because I've sung so many songs in so many cars with a feeling of karaoke-gone-mad exuberance.
Maybe it's because the song has always seemd such an epitome of teenage-girl-much.

But last night, it played in my friend's car - and - Oh my. I never knew its lyrics would mean so much to me.

Hold On - Wilson Phillips

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Dont ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness (Tell me about it!)
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin your worries pass you by
Don't you think its worth your time
To change your mind?

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Flawed Heroes

Had a great time talking to S the other day, about the general state of illteracy in Singapore as well as the problems in 'educating' children or youths about spiritual things or religion.

C once said that Westerners gravitate towards Eastern religions and Asians adopt Christianity in droves most likely due to the simplistic black-and-white 'truths' in the religion that are fed to us when we are young. As we grow older, it becomes increasingly clear that what has been taught seems increasingly irrelevant to how we live, and as the gap widens, we seek truths in other vistas, and discover new'grown-up' religions. It seems a likely explanation.

So I brought this up to S and we were going on about how this gap could be addressed when it suddenly hit me - flawed heroes.

In Sunday schools, David's courage in battling Goliath is consistently touted, but not a whimper is sounded about his adultery and murder and bloodletting.
Abraham is the Father of nations, but nothing is said of his lying and neglect of his wife's honour.
Samson defeated the Philistines, but only because he had first lusted after Delilah.

How is it that we have hidden the flaws of these heroes, when God has laid bare for all to see, to show that He is the God of everyone who is flawed and weak and deceitful?

During the church service this Sunday, the preacher was going on about praying for the anointing to break through for nations, the world.. and so on. All I could think was - I don't even have the strength to obey the simplest and clearest of things, and I'm supposed to have the audacity to save the world? Not me not me, I will not mock these holy things.

But suddenly, the preacher calmed down, paused. And she said - God will use the holy vessels like Mary, but God is also waiting to wrestle with those who are like Jacob, who was a deceiver. Waiting to wrestle and overpower Jacob so that Jacob could be blessed and his name changed to Israel - Prince of God.

Oh. That's me I hope. I pray.

Tired

Many good friends have been asking how I’ve been feeling, considering the roller coaster ride that I’ve been on these past few months.

In all honesty, for the past few days, I’ve been in this oddly zen state. Maybe this is what life on prozac feels like.

The closest I came to being emotional was when I was sharing with E about couples I saw reading newspapers together at tcc café on a lazy Sunday morning, wondering why a scene like that seemed so out of reach for me. But she turned around and asked me if I would be bored by too many afternoons like that.

Would I? I’m not very sure anymore. Do I desire something simply because it is out of reach? Not always.

But right now I’m too tired to overanalyze. Or simply to analyze.

I’m wondering what my solo trip to Cochin next week will be like. I’ve been avoiding hearing from God, glancing away from the bible that is at my bedside. Unread. Will I avoid Him then as well? Not sure.

No expectations then. (but where does hope fit into the picture?)

Oh. Too tired to think.