Grace for the prodigal

Met with B for a lovely lunch yesterday and I shared with him my growing reluctance at attending church services.

I explained that I don't feel sure that I will be able to obey God and make the right choices in the situations I am currently in. I have therefore concluded that to go before God (in church or in private) and claim to be loving and obedient and all is a terrible exercise of hypocrisy.

B looked at me in wide-eyed amazement.

'That's brilliant. Get your act together and depend on your own strength before you appear before God all righteous and all. That's very pagan.'

I cringed.

''This is the ultimate sin - pride. Who are you to be judging yourself when you should be standing before God?' Why must you pre-judge your future acts?'

But isn't God holy? And shouldn't I, if I claim to be a Christian, at least come with all sincerity of heart to obey (=love) Him? And if I can't...

B then plonked the parable of the prodigal son before me. Brief details - ingrate son takes rich father's money, fritters it away and ends up taking care of pigs in some far-off land. Amidst the swine, he realises that even his fether's workers have a better deal than him, so he resolves to go back home to try to get a job under his father. The (well-known) twist in the story is that the father sees him from a distance, runs to him and celebrates his return with no reprisals, rather, a full restoration of his status as a son.

B then asked me - do you think this son changed after his return?

I searched my memory bank. No particular allusion to that in the verses, although pastors have inevitable followed up to say that the love of God changes us.. etc.

There was every possibilty that this son would have gone for a second round of dissolute spending. More than a possiblity in fact.

And suddenly I finally saw how immense this grace of God is. And how utterly stingy I have viewed God to be.

"When do you think that moment of repentance came?' B probed further.

I kept silent. Unsure. Still reeling.

Amidst the swine, it is said 'And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!' (Luke 15:17)

When he came to himself.

When he realised who he was. How pathetic his circumstances.

When he came to himself.

I'm starting to come to myself, to my senses, to reality, to what I have really believed in, beneath the glossy veneer of pretty religious jargon.

Hebrews 11:6 -
And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is
and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.