Identity
Talked to B today. I was trying to explain why I've been so confused recently, and he asked if I knew who I was - my identity.
It is so easy to identify oneself in relation to other people, or in relation to one's responsibilities.
Daughter.
Sister.
Teacher.
Student.
Counsellor.
Friend.
Singer.
Writer.
Dreamer.
Struggler.
Christian?
But who am I when I stand alone before God?
Who was I created to be?
not Do, just Be.
(doing so much over the years has just left me confused and tired for the most part)
B said that in all my frenetic activity, my grasping at romanticised revelations, my incessant feeding on theories and theologies, I have failed to regard myself with sober judgement.
Sober judgement. Such a grown-up ring to it. So at odds with how I have been behaving.
Psalm 51 - The Psalm of repentance. Over the phone, B asked if i knew what David meant when he said
'6 Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.'
Not the truth of moral rights and wrongs, but the truth of who one is in Christ.
Who I am in Christ.
All that I am created to be. all that I already am, yet I am too blind, too scared to see.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
Will my true worship of God only come in my brokenness?
I already see how horridly horridly sinful I am and always have been - 5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me.
L has been lamenting my under-achievement, my potential to do so much more.
I sense it too.
I believe there is more to life than what i am absorbed in right now. More places, more people, more joys, more sorrows, more learning, more trials, more faith, more hope, more love.
More life.
Yet, until I am whole inside, until i know who I am, all my striving will leave me more empty than ever.
posted by still seeking @ 7:00 PM
3 Comments:
My Jan 12 comment:
Life has its own ways of being abundant. You cannot require it to be or make it abundant by force. Instead, see the abundance in its simplicity. Your "ordinary" day is a day for reflections, for "insight". It represents a time when your frantic activities ebb for a while. Never miss such opportunities to reflect and look inside yourself and the actions you've done and see if you have grown. I always treasure such days because I grow mentally, psychologically, spiritually, and intangibly more on these days than on days where I'm no different from a headless blue housefly.
Treasure these lull moments!
What you wrote B said: B said that in all my frenetic activity, my grasping at romanticised revelations, my incessant feeding on theories and theologies, I have failed to regard myself with sober judgement.
Again, the recurring theme: Work (excessive) as a form of escapism from self.
L probably meant more than tangible achievements when he said those words. There must be spiritual growth and maturity. Only then can a person develop rounded abilities.
Less is more, if you choose wisely and give your best in each role you play.
As you progress up the ladder of success, you'll find that the people around you will thin out. Like it or not, it'll happen. And if you did not cultivate yourself sufficiently by then to cope with the "lack of support", you'll be terribly miserable.
Think about it.
welcome back
eh, how come so many entries in one shot ...
Hi you guys.
To eugene - L seriously meant tangible achievements I believe.. but that's anoter issue..
i get what you're trying to say and i appreciate your efforts in saying it.. just been veru emotionally tired.
To dindon - haha.. all my pent up words that i have not put down.. or ratehr been trying to escape from my own thoughts so have not blogged. Been writing poetry over the month though, so decided to put them up...
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