Commitment phobia

Today, I decided to sign up for the choir of the church that I've been attending for the past 6 months.
The conductor(conductress? is there such a word? hmm.) is incredibly gifted and obviously very humble and nice.. Everyone seems so.. decent. Gosh. In my tube top, gold wedges and tight jeans, I seemed so ..non-Christian. (a number of times, people in my former church used to look expectantly at me when the pastor on stage asked for newcomers to stand. I always found it hilarious.)

This leads me to question - what does a Christian lady look like? sigh. With my pop culture tendencies, I don't think i fit the bill.

But back to the choir thingy. So I did an on-the-spot audition (she said I was naturally gifted as a singer! Soooo happpppy! hee!) and rehearsals start this wednesday. Gulp.

But it was the part about commitment that made my palms sweat. She said that the most important thing about being in the choir was the commitment to weekly rehersals .. ya dah ya dah ya dah.. I've heard this all before, and two years ago, I would not have blinked at it. Commitment? No problem at all.

Yet, today, when I heard her say that, my heart hesitated. I realise ever since I got out of my previous church, I've lost faith in my own ability to commit.. to anything. Part of me is still guilty over my 'defection', still defensive. Part of me is still wondering if I have what it takes to go all the way when i say I will commit to something. Part of me thinks that I have failed in ironing out my relationships within the church.

My reason argues that I had outgrown certain things.. but reason can go either way. And i tend to think too much and feel guilty anyway. And why- if I am joining this of my own free will and out of a desire to sing again - why should I feel trapped?

In any case, I'm glad my God looks at where I'm going and not where I've been.

So this Wednesday - a fresh start.