Dissonance

For no obvious reason, I felt terribly down earlier today.
(Is it the time of the month? asked A. No dear. )

Dragged my feet all around the school, trying to sift through reasons why I would be feeling this way. Hormonal imbalance? Chemical imbalance from meds I've been taking? Spiritual attack? All possibilities.

As usual, trying to use my brains to get around my emotions and dissect them to oblivion. I should have learnt by now that it doesn't work.

After sending an SOS sms to A and E (hahaha.. A&E so funny!!!! )
E sent this back - 'The art of losing is not easy to master. Loss is but a constant reminder of our vulnerabilities and very often, dissonance within.'

So wise my friends. =)

In any case, did the bimbotic thing and went shopping with my sisters. The mindless picking and choosing (lingerie sale!) alleviated my mood somewhat, as did a good chat with my rather distant elder sis.

But tonight, as I process the emotions of the day, I'm thinking of the verse -
'... sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence..'
1 peter 3:15

Apparently, there are supposed to be people grabbing me and demanding to know why I have the hope that is within me.

How is it I am not living my life with this hope?

I seem to be mucking around playing at being a Christian while the hope of Christ is not in me. In E's words - we are all self-masturbatory creatures - all intent on satisfying our own desires first and foremost.
Sometimes, the words of comfort and advice I give to others ring hollow to me, because I depend on my wit and experience and barely on the Spirit of God as I live out my life, conduct my affairs and theorise.

Maybe this sadness is indeed dissonance - not due to the minor loss I am experiencing - but something more to do with questioning my very cerebral approach to my spiritual life.

13 Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 14 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, 15 but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; 16 because it is written, "YOU SHALL BE HOLY, FOR I AM HOLY." 1 Peter 1:13-16