Grace has its own rewards

Just re-watched 'Seabiscuit', a movie about a horse and a man that defy all the odds.. typical inspirational storyline, but this one shines because of the basic decency that the characters emanate.

One line caught my heart 'Just because it's a little banged up, doesn't mean you throw away a life.'

Again and again, the horse-owner decided to give the wild horse, the rebellious jockey and the taciturn horse-trainer chance after chance to get up and prove themselves.

It underscored what I learnt yesterday - that grace has its own rewards.

Had quarrelled with E yesterday, as I had felt pissed about her being late again for what felt like the millionth time. I don't know when I had started counting, certainly it must have started recently, because for the longest time I had just accepted it as one of her quirks.

But when I brought it up, she brought up the times when she had overlooked my shortcomings - my ramblings, flakiness etc. She asked why I had brought up the lateness issue when she had not brought up these other issues.

I was glad she brought up my shortcomings though. Glad it was all on the table. I hadn't realised the extent to which it was a burden to her.

But ultimately, I realised that it was an issue of counting transgressions vs grace.

Recently, three people on different occasions brought up the fact that I have been 'bullied' by colleagues, in the sense that I take on other's loads. Then another person said that I'm too much of a people pleaser, that I get trampled by colleagues and friends.

It made me angry, and indignant, when I wasn't before.

But after the quarrel with E, I realised that I have willingly done these things because I felt it was right to do, and right because I am capable of contributing in these ways. Others may find contributions without payback a silly waste of time.. but grace has its own rewards.

I'm not of course advocating a co-dependent thing or giving without discernment (which I am inclined to do). But grace, without counting transgressions, I think would bear the fruits of dignity and relationships of trust and mutual forbearance.

It just so happened that yesterday's verse of the day was this -
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. -- John 15:13 (KJV)

Saxophone player

On a whim, I jumped off the bus and went to MacRitchie Reservoir.

I never knew how peaceful it is, or how strong the wind blows across the waters, how at ease the little kayaks look as they glide through the waters.

There was the sound of someone practising the saxophone and it drifted through the quiet park. I kept imagining some teenage school band fanatic frantically practising an exam piece.

But when I was walking out, I discovered it was a man in his late thirties. The boot of his car was open, accompanying music blasting from it; while he stood on the little road, a music stand before him, his back to the park and all passers-by, lost in his music.

I almost laughed out loud.
Had his wife shooed him out the house?
Did he secretly wish for an audience?
Did he come here every week?

Witnessing someone's passion is always so moving.

Identity

Talked to B today. I was trying to explain why I've been so confused recently, and he asked if I knew who I was - my identity.

It is so easy to identify oneself in relation to other people, or in relation to one's responsibilities.
Daughter.
Sister.
Teacher.
Student.
Counsellor.
Friend.
Singer.
Writer.
Dreamer.
Struggler.
Christian?

But who am I when I stand alone before God?
Who was I created to be?
not Do, just Be.
(doing so much over the years has just left me confused and tired for the most part)

B said that in all my frenetic activity, my grasping at romanticised revelations, my incessant feeding on theories and theologies, I have failed to regard myself with sober judgement.

Sober judgement. Such a grown-up ring to it. So at odds with how I have been behaving.

Psalm 51 - The Psalm of repentance. Over the phone, B asked if i knew what David meant when he said
'6 Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.'

Not the truth of moral rights and wrongs, but the truth of who one is in Christ.
Who I am in Christ.
All that I am created to be. all that I already am, yet I am too blind, too scared to see.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
Will my true worship of God only come in my brokenness?

I already see how horridly horridly sinful I am and always have been - 5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me.

L has been lamenting my under-achievement, my potential to do so much more.
I sense it too.
I believe there is more to life than what i am absorbed in right now. More places, more people, more joys, more sorrows, more learning, more trials, more faith, more hope, more love.
More life.
Yet, until I am whole inside, until i know who I am, all my striving will leave me more empty than ever.

Can I take up the dare?

Dare you to move - Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?
[Those who love me, those who await for me to fall. I do not know what happens next, I barely have the strength to think about it.]


I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
[Is this what grace is about? Like today never happened before?]

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
[An almost unbearable tension. Who knew how low my resistance is?]

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
[ I just go quiet when I read this, sing this, hear this in my heart. Been thinking i can run away from God. But where can I run to? maybe forgiveness is right where i fell. ]


I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
Lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

------------------------------
Heard this song on the radio. Spot on. All that I'm feeling and all that I'm confused about right now.

Conversation III – Unmeant

‘I was just joking’
you said,
when my face fell
when my voice broke
when my heart slipped
away

‘Why do you take things so seriously?’
As if assuming that you speak
the truth is
a sin
a folly
a flaw.

‘Why can’t you relax?’
when I fear you are toying
with me.
Like a cat with its new plaything
Vicious playfulness
that will tire after the toy
is mangled.

Conversation II – Unheard

An absent look
Glancing off
What I wanted to say
- But it might have been me
droning

A switch of topic
Cutting off
What I wanted to share
- But it might have been me
rambling

A knowing smirk
Brushing off
What I wanted to cry
- But it might have been me
assuming

that you really cared
It might have been me
- But it was really you
Not caring
Not caring
Not caring

War Within

My mind -
cold sterile
headquarters
ordering chaos
assigning
thought police
to guard

My heart –
trembling sore
imprisoned
shuddering alone
confusing
paper-thin faith
that covers

My body –
feverish wet
rebellious
grasping heat
waging
war against
desires’
starvation

Embattled
Embittered
Emboldened

No peace in sight

Conversation (Part 1) - Unsaid

I’m fine I say
And the conversation shifts smoothly
into second gear
Meandering along despicably familiar paths
with minor twists that fail to surprise
Any more

What if I had said that
I almost cried on the train today
panicked choking
over nothing
Or that I spent too much
again
Or that my mother is dying
and we all are

Would that have stalled you
reaching for a clutch
changing the topic hastily
Or would it have ignited something
real something
that would drive away my contempt
when you say
How are you
?